Happy New Year everyone! It’s a chilly evening here in my neck of the woods!
My birthday was three weeks ago and I just got discharged from hospital one week ago so I’m certainly a year wiser and tentatively a stone lighter.
I’m nestled against the pillows as I type this, mellow and comfortable in the middle of my bipolar spectrum, with a clear state of mind, a calm soul and a revamped spirit. Last night I slept like a log and woke up to find this knackered dog curled up beside me at noon. Life is good, safe to say.
Looking back, I realise I grew up in this type of fishbowl existence where having my kind of chronic illness was the largest elephant in the room of health discussion. I heard people talk, I heard people stigmatise. So I figured that if people were going to say it about me anyway, I would say it first, because if I said it first, I would say it better. That is why I started this blog. Let it be known that exulansis does not live here. Please. And thank you.
Interestingly, when the world closes in with darkness and sin, I’m grateful for the myriads of blessings. Despite the depression, I’m blessed beyond imagination. Despite the soul rot, I’m blessed beyond imagination. Despite the speed bumps along my journey, I’m blessed beyond imagination.
Therefore today, in retrospect, I’m particularly grateful to / for:
- God. For being the pillar of my astounding support system. For holding me while teetering between stoical and fervid. For carrying me during all reflection, transition and rebirth.
- Bipolar Disorder. Circular Insanity. For OG Depression, the black dog, the brain fog, the throttling monster, the slayer of beautiful souls, the barbed arrow right through the heart. Grateful really? No, BUT… for being an eye opener, for giving me insight, for giving me depression which teaches me empathy, for giving me anxiety which gets me to be more organised, for giving me suicidal tendencies which taught me to appreciate the moments I almost didn’t have.
- Me. Finding myself. I feel like I had been a young girl of steel bright intelligence, but zero common sense. In other words. I had downplayed and underestimated my bipolarity and my femininity and their secret theatres of power and influence. I now strive to act as a redeemed, empowered young woman and a daughter of philosophy and ethic. A powerhouse, a legible wisdom of a grown woman, fearlessly navigating the turbulent waters of bipolarity. A grown woman of beautiful maps seldom left unread. A woman who is discontent with being the gold fish in a fishbowl when she has the capacity of a shark in the ocean. A woman who does not crinkle. A woman who knows her way around the minefield of self-actualization. A work in progress.
- Music. Soulful music. For rap lyrics with wonderful emotional potency that resonate with me on a personal level. (God bless Kid Cudi). For the tasteful and timeless genre that is Ohangla. For its beautiful beats and for my dancing feet. (Please give ALL the flowers to Prince Indah).
- The wind, the zephyr. I mean have you ever spent an unholy amount of time trying to make your hair tame only to step out and have the wind leaving like a witch that just flew on her broom? I’m grateful to the wind for constantly validating my princess hair!
- Dr. C.O. For knowing how to help me stay on my cool. How to get me to stand ten toes down. How to whisper me out of fear and self-pity and put my soul back in my body, and ultimately my soul and my body all in that same recliner where sometimes he recounts a medical history that reeks of something like the voodoo incantations of a stark raving mad Haitian witch doctor.
- Pens, paper pads and paperbacks. The readership, the blogosphere, the wordsmiths, the writers and the authors. Geniuses whose piercing words penetrate your heart and get plastered all over your soul. Clearly the revolution will not be televised but thank God for Ijeoma Umebinyuo!
- My friend M. The queen of hugs and holding hands. An actual prodigy, a great listener, a top example, a quality friend, a real ride or die.
- My friend N. For answering every frantic call and text. For not having a single selfish bone in her body. For her superpower of keeping up with my monotonous rants.
- My friend C. For being a real bond in a flawed world!
- My friend G. For the simple fact that we finish each other’s sentences.
- My friend H. For being the sunshine in my last memories of O’ Level. And for constantly crossing my mind and lifting my spirit throughout A’ Level. 7 years on and she still saves the day from many miles away on video call!
- My friend T. A person made of textures deeper than what I had been apprenticed to. A person polished by greater forces than bowling alleys.
- My cousin BT. For his stellar personality.
- My nephew Y. For his smile which also doubles as my medicine box.
- My siblings B,B,B,B and B. Annoying, agitating, aggravating, nosey, caring, funny, determinated, intelligent and sweet. Whole bunch of awesomeness with a twist of wow and plenty of fun. For loving me religiously.
- My grandmother. A daughter of the islands who had the most beautiful wrinkles around her eyes when she smiled. A woman whose eyes radiated beams of light with just one grin. A woman whose whole face was the map of her life. A magic maker. A birth giver to stars. For the 21 great years she was in my life as my bond companion.
- My parents. If I didn’t have them I’d never see the sun.
- Roses. The only flowers that convey messages without words!
- Fair weather friends, phoneys, wet blankets, naysayers, rabble-rousers, unnecessary tirades, the losing team. For subconsciously reminding me that love’s still very much in need of love today, and that I’m imbued with heavenly powers and I can use it well for the highest good.