I wish I did not act often like God were a figurine on the mantle or like He fits in my back pocket but rather like He is creator of the universe, and He loves meā¦
I wish I could shield myself from my own agonies and insecurities. From phones that do not ring, from snubbed emails, from the 6 A.M. alarm clock, from saying “no” but still feeling the responsibility to explain myself, from the malaise of bad company, from fair weather friends; the kinds that fly the coop as quickly as they can, at the first hint of trouble, from the frayed ends of the welcome matā¦
I wish I could shield myself from depression, from Bipolar II Disorder, from mood disorders, from relapsesā¦
I wish I could shield myself from false hope, from wet blankets, from naysayers, from rabble-rousers, from toxic people, from unnecessary tirades, from the losing team, from people with an agenda to harm, and those wild flowers meant solely to disarmā¦
I wish I could shield myself from romantic relationships that lead everywhere but the altar. I wish I could shield myself from relationships marred by arguments that feel like the brink of a break up. I wish I could shield myself from relationships characterised by constant gaslighting. I wish I could shield myself from relationships that make me second-guess my decisions. I wish I could shield myself from relationships that seem like love is a misnomer or a fictional concept. I wish I could mow the lands where people have lost their vowsā¦
I wish I could feel more at home especially in the love of the most precarious sightā¦
I wish perserverence were solely meant to mould life into love of fine, gold or cold firingā¦
I wish I could make society destigmatise the conversation around mental health within the snap of my fingerā¦
I wish I could make us all refer to mental illness as mental “trillness” šā¦
I wish I could make us all root for all the people affected by the scourge of mental illnessā¦
I wish I could wipe mental illness off the face of the earthā¦
I wish I could rap like the enigmatic 2Pac. Or sing pitch perfect like the regal Whitney Houston. Just so I could give a concert for free and heal a soul or twoā¦
I wish I could master Messianic oration like Obama just so I could bless the human race with gracefulness and mind blowing speeches that move you to tears and orchestrate you to leave your comfort zone or be your brother’s keeperā¦
I wish I could write like Chinua Achebe, the mercurial creature with his own unique quirk, aspiration and preference that still drives me to aspire to create my own stories. I wish I could shield myself from bland and boring reads. I wish I could only encounter riveting reads. And wordsmiths. The more arcane, the betterā¦
I wish I could be half as compassionate as Mother Teresaā¦
I wish I could be a flaming charisma like my big sister Berylā¦
I wish I could effortlessly be the prime purveyor of grit and the patron saint of resilienceā¦
I wish I could be the kind of Kenyan who does not see politicians without the hedonistic desire to bury them in stones, the kind of Kenyan who watches the local news bulletin without being sick to their stomach, the kind who takes pride in their passport because of the country in itā¦
I wish I could fly an airplane just so I would satisfy my wanderlust by visiting spots around the world on a whim, validating my travel dreams, one bucket list city after the otherā¦
I wish I could read minds just so I would get into private investigations and solve the myriads of crimes that wreck(ed) the worldā¦
I wish I could experience osmosis just so I would go to libraries and transform my brain into the richest data bankā¦
I wish I could buy a bottle of confidence, just so I would take a case and put it in the pantry! I wish confidence were wine, because wine comes in bottlesā¦
I wish I could erase all of my struggles with sadness, lethargy and the minefield of self-actualization. I wish I could remedy every regret and every bad decision. I wish I could take more chances, different chances, try harder. I wish I could sift through my life, alter details and discard parts of my history on to the cutting room floor until ultimately editing all of the pieces together to create my own picture-perfect story. I wish I could act it out all again before the curtains fallā¦
I wish I could revive seamless conversations from my childhoodā¦
I wish the bountiful sky could let me bring some of its stars down and let me soak my soul in the joy of their illuminationā¦
I wish I could be as prickly as the bougainvillea so I would not require a nod to harbour the blooming sight that wishes to protect the flower podā¦
I wish I could catch a dream filled with love and awe-inspiring things and hold it locked in my heart until I get to see my Dana in heavenā¦
I wish I could become a vibrational match to each and every one of my dreams and aspirationsā¦
I wish the whimsical beauties that are the butterflies darting and swooping as they frolic between the greenery while I look on dreamily, touch me by their pale gossamer wings and leave their magic on my skin as they restore my faithā¦
I wish we could acknowledge that we struggle with our faith because we see so many bring shame to itā¦
I wish Father Time could slow down so I can make many more monumental memories with my brilliant nephew Yul, and keep reminding him someday when I am gone, that I love him mightily. ā¤ļø
I wish we could all agree unanimously, that after Hip-Hop & Rap, Ohangla is the second most timeless and tasteful music genreā¦
I wish we could all understand that a patriarchal society CANNOT become egalitarian without feminismā¦
I wish Capital Steez did not take his own life on the cusp of stardomā¦
I wish, consequently, that everyone would understand that people who commit suicide do not want to end their lives but the painā¦
I wish, like Kid Cudi, more rappers were never afraid to bare their soul on wax, and give their lyrics a greater emotional potency that touches so many of us living with depression and battling suicidal ideations, in the most unheard of waysā¦
I wish I could understand why most of my heroes are either dysfunctional or deadā¦
I wish my loved ones never forget how grateful I am for being patient with me while I’m teetering between stoical and fervidā¦
I wish the brain fog understood that I am a wounded healer and I have the power to turn wounds into weapons and trauma into triumphā¦
I wish everyone knew they are imbued with heavenly powers and they can use them well for the highest goodā¦
I wish these words could fly off this blog and into print and someone somewhere picks my soul up off of those pagesā¦
But most importantly, I wish I could be me. Just me; my best me. Regardless of whether I am slouched in front of my computer or hanging out with my best friend. Because if everyone were extraordinary, who would be extraordinary?
But I am but human. A human with a bleeding pen in my hands. A leakage of me lost in a brown study.
š
Beautiful writing
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Thank you
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Ida im soo proud of you.well you wish you were Chinua Achebe but dont worry you are IDA SHARON one of the greatest writers im coming to know
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Thank you šš¾ My spirit is lifted š
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It’s been long I have come across such talent. I dont read blogs but yours captivates me each time. I am glad I stumbled upon it because it lifted my souls. You are you and your the best…keep doing what your doing.
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Thank you so much queen. I am because you are. Much love always. š«
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This piece is exquisite
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Thank you šš¾
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You are the best mama!
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Thank you love! š
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Thanks for the follow!
Your writing is brilliant. May it set you free someday. And when youāre done, you will have left a ladder for readers to climb.
As Hendrix sang, manic depression is a frustrating mess. But itās not the end of the world. I believe there is purpose in our struggles. And sometimes we have to make big sacrifices to find anything like peace. Look for blessings in disguise. The glass half full. I wish you power and joy.
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You’re welcome and thank you so much for the kind sentiments. Power to you! The future is bright. š
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Iāve really enjoyed the two pieces of yours that I just read. You have a great way with words and I look forward to going back and reading some of your older posts when I get a chance. And of course, thanks for the follow.
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How heart warming š Thank you šš¾
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